


blm-plm, blp

by christinefromsherwood



Series: 007 Fest 2019 [3]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies)
Genre: Adult Narrator, Alternate Universe, Bond is a dinosaur, Fluff and Humor, Gen, It is very sweet, Kid Fic, Kid POV, Q & Bond Friendship, a bit like you're being wrapped in candy floss as you read, but that's just my opinion as an author, rated T for some cursing in the latter part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-13 05:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19594993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinefromsherwood/pseuds/christinefromsherwood
Summary: “I’m Q, and I’m 5 and three quarters. What’s your name?” Q wiped his wet hand on his wet pants and offered it to the dinosaur.  That’s what he saw Daddy and Uncle Gary do when they were saying hello to the big foreign lady before he’d sneaked off.The dinosaur looked at the small hand suspiciously, then lowered his head and sniffed at it.It tickled and Q laughed.





	blm-plm, blp

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nekoii](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekoii/gifts), [lapsang_and_earlgrey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lapsang_and_earlgrey/gifts).



> Firstly, I would like to stress that this absolutely would not exist without all the lovely folks on the MI6 cafe chat who humoured me when my brain decided to be weird and go _but what if Bond was the Loch Ness Monster_. 
> 
> Secondly, all the thanks to **lapsang-and-earlgrey** and **nekoii** for coming up with a nice clean version of this AU. I promise you, the best of this fic was probably their idea.
> 
> Thirdly, I do not have kids, but I do have a very precocious small cousin, and from all reports I was a little smart-ass shit when small (some might say I never grew out of it). Smol!Q is probably channeling both of us.

_Sssnnnwhuffffll?_  
_Hnwhuffl hhnnwfl hnfl hfl?_  
_Gdroblboblhobngbl gbl gl g g g g glbgl._  
_Drublhaflablhaflubhafgabhaflhafl fl fl –_  
_gm grawwwww grf grawf awfgm graw gm._  
_Hovoplodok – doplodovok – plovodokot-doplodokosh?_  
_Splgraw fok fok splgrafhatchgabrlgabrl fok splfok!_  
_Zgra kra gka fok!_  
_Grof grawff gahf?_  
_Gombl mbl bl –_  
_blm plm,_  
_blm plm,_  
_blm plm,_  
_blp._  
\- Edwin Morgan, "The Loch Ness Monster's Song," from _[Scottish Poetry Library](http://www.scottishpoetrylibrary.org.uk/poem/loch-ness-monsters-song/)_

“So…”

This was only the third word spoken between them.

The first was a quiet “hello”, the second an even quieter “thank you”. Afterwards a lengthy pause had followed, in which both small waterlogged creatures gave each other long measuring looks, as they lay, puffing and gasping, on the shore of the great lake.

The _so_ , which had been uttered by a skinny boy of five after some careful deliberation, would perhaps be better transcribed as “SssOOOOOOOOooo”; the S was said with a soft lisp; the O very pronounced, wobbly, the tone changing in height at least twice.

What followed the _so_ was perhaps not the most appropriate sentence ever spoken upon making a new acquaintance, but then: Q was a very curious boy, and this was his first time meeting a talking dinosaur.

“…do you pee in the water?”

The small dinosaur blinked at him; then his long neck swayed from side to side as he shook his head. Q nodded, disappointed but apparently determined to be philosophical about it.

So Daddy _was_ right after all.

“Daddy said that I wasn’t allowed to pee in the lake because it was the home of the Loch Ness monster, and you can’t go and pee in people’s homes. But I said what about the toilet, I go and pee in Uncle Gary’s toilet when we visit him at his home. And Daddy said that was different, because Nessie didn’t have a toilet for me to pee in. And I said that the Loch Ness monster wasn’t real and that if she was and didn’t have a toilet, she would be peeing in the water too, so it was alright for me to do it. But Daddy said it was not at all alright and that I would not get any dessert after supper if I went and peed in the lake, and so I came here and I fell in and then you rescued me,” Q finished his long speech quite out of breath and cringed when a large cold droplet of lake water fell from his hair onto his neck.

The dinosaur was silent, but to Q it seemed that he was frowning at him a little. After he threw an uneasy glance back towards the water, Q was certain.

“But I _didn’t_ pee in the water,” he hurried to add. “Honest.”

He didn’t add that that was only because his feet got all tangled up when he went to pull down his pants and he fell into the lake before he could do so.

He hurried to change the subject.

“I’m Q, and I’m 5 and three quarters. What’s your name?” Q wiped his wet hand on his wet pants and offered it to the dinosaur. That’s what he saw Daddy and Uncle Gary do when they were saying hello to the big foreign lady before he’d sneaked off.

The dinosaur looked at the small hand suspiciously, then lowered his head and sniffed at it.

It tickled and Q laughed.

“I’m James,” said James, the dinosaur, quietly. Q grinned at him.

“Do you live in the lake with the Loch Ness Monster?” he asked. James frowned.

“I live here with my Mum and Dad.” Again, the words were quiet, and spoken in the lilting way that Q had never heard before coming to Scotland with Daddy and Uncle Gary.

“Cool!” Q nodded sagely, still with a large blinding grin on his face.

It _was_ cool. Some people lived with _Mummies_ and Daddies. Q knew all about that.

“I live with my Daddy in London. But I think Uncle Gary’s going to come live with us soon. He keeps all his books with us, _and_ …” Q lowered his voice and looked around to see that no one was near. It was not very nice to boast. James leaned in closer with his long neck. “… we have a _much_ nicer toilet.”

James huffed out a small laugh. It made the scaly skin around his large blue eyes crinkle. Q liked it very much.

“It’s true!” he insisted. “At Uncle Gary's there is a GIANT spider-web under the sink and the paper is all rough and grey and thin and not nice at all.”

The small boy expected James to laugh again, but the dinosaur wrinkled his forehead instead, and asked:

“What’s paper?”

Q’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head. EVERYONE knew what paper was.

“You don’t know about paper?” James shook his head, his long neck swaying again from side to side.

“Well, paper is… paper is…” Q realised he didn’t know what paper was either. It was just paper.

He shrugged.

“You can write and draw on it, and there are books, and newspapers. And toilet paper and tabloids. Uncle Gary said that you can wipe your butt with both, but I’ve never tried.”

Still, James looked confused. Q shrugged again.

“It’s alright. I don’t think you’d need it under water.”

Then the small human and the young dinosaur were quiet for a while but that was alright because they were friends.

At least, Q thought so. James had saved him from the lake and told him his name. But Daddy always said that it was better to be safe than sorry.

“Do you want to be friends?” he asked, serious.

The small dinosaur looked at the boy with his big blue eyes narrowed in thought. Then he gave one decisive nod and Q beamed.

He felt something warm spread from his tummy all the way to the tips of his toes. It felt rather lovely, and not at all like when Tiago tickled him and made him pee his pants during the break and Ms Eve lent him her sweatpants to wear for the day and everyone had laughed at him because they were pink.

They were friends. Q said so and James said so. It was nice.

“Oh… you’re hurt!” Q cried out when he noticed one large blue-grey scale at James’s side which seemed to be sticking out at an odd angle.

The dinosaur looked down in surprise. Then he laughed again.

“It’s alright,” he said immediately in his soft Scottish lilt. “That’s an old scale. They fall out sometimes.”

Then Q watched in fascination as the dinosaur reached around with his long neck and plucked the scale out with his teeth. He didn’t wince, not even a little bit, so Q figured he really was alright.

The sun was beginning to set behind the lake, and the shimmering reflections from the water gleamed on the surface of the scale. It made a rich golden flame dance within its blue-grey depths. Q gasped. 

It looked like magic.

“Can I have it?” The words flew out of Q’s mouth before he could stop them. He felt his whole face glow red.

“Please,” he added hastily.

The dinosaur didn’t have eyebrows, but if he did, he would be raising them right now. Instead, it was just his snout that wrinkled.

“Sure,” James said, and placed the scale in Q’s waiting hand.

Q briefly wondered if he had just asked the dinosaur for something strange, like toe nail clippings would be to him. He quickly abandoned the thought, however, when the sun lit up the scale from the inside again.

Beautiful.

“Thank you,” he only just remembered to say.

James’s snout was still a little bit wrinkled, but his eyes were smiling again.

Then a bird cried out and Q jumped, startled. And then he remembered his Daddy, and slapped both of his palms, even the one holding the scale, over his mouth.

“Oh, I think I have to go now! Daddy’s probably getting worried.”

James said nothing. He only nodded, long neck swaying gently.

“But I’ll come back!” Q assured him.

“I know. We’re friends,” said the small dinosaur in a quiet voice and crinkled his eyes at Q.

Q beamed at him, went to wrap his arms around his neck, and then hurried off back to the village.

The small boy couldn’t have known then that he wouldn’t return to the lake for the another thirty years.

* * *

“Oh no! Oh shit! Oh fuck! This is bad, this is bad, this is so so BAD!”

On his hands and knees, Q stammered, as he dragged himself further up the shore, drenched to the bone and _without_ the tablet he had been holding.

Everything else was present and correct: his glasses, his phone, his car keys, his wallet, even the leather string around his neck with the blue stone he had picked up on that very same shore as a child.

No, naturally, it was just the MOST IMPORTANT thing of all, the tablet with sensitive government information, that had to disappear in the murky depths forever.

Yes, sure, he was grateful to be alive. It was damn lucky that that underwater current picked him up and threw him towards the shore when it did. He might have drowned otherwise, but HIS TABLET!

He turned around, sat down on the pebbled shore heavily and seriously considered diving back for it.

Uncle Ga- err, _M_ was going to kill him dead.

Maybe if he took a long breath, he could…

The waters of the lake rippled ominously.

Yeah, that was not going to happen.

Bollocks!

Q pressed his forehead into his knees and groaned.

There was nothing for it. He’d have to go buy some rice, dry out his phone and then call the office and tell them they’d have to waste a ton of money on a large scale dragging of the Lake Ness because their youngest Quartermaster in history of the organization was also the dumbest and clumsiest. 

Shit.

Q exhaled in a rush, and rose to his feet. But just then, just as he made to turn around, he paused.

Something was wrong... Something didn’t _fit_.

Then it hit him.

The ripples on the lake had grown larger, were growing larger still. The water was moving, undulating in waves, swirling...

There was no wind that day.

Q stared, stunned.

What was-

And just as he realised it, just as it occurred to him that the water was moving because _something_ was moving _it -_ something large, rising from its depths - a head broke the surface.

Then a neck appeared, and kept appearing.

It was a very long neck and it rose up and up until Q had to tilt his head back to follow the head with his eyes.

Naturally, the neck sat on massive shoulders, and Q watched with an open mouth, as they rose above the water as well, and then stilled.

The water didn’t still at all, though. It boiled in whirlpools all around the giant body; the Loch Ness Monster was treading water, long neck swaying to lower the head to Q’s level. 

His tablet fell into the pebbles beside him. Q didn't even wince when he heard the screen crack.

“You’re back.” Blue, familiar eyes stared into his own.

“You’re real…” Q heard himself whisper faintly, clutching at the scale around his neck.

James, the dinosaur, _the Loch Ness Monster_ , huffed out a small laugh. Q’s wet hair flew away from his face.

“So,” said the very big talking dinosaur, blue eyes sparkling in the setting sun. “Have you come back to pee in my lake again?”


End file.
